Monday, 21 May 2012

It's Been A While

You may have noticed I haven't blogged for a while, or may be you haven't!
The thing is I've been in a bit of a, well I don't know how to describe it really.
When I started this blog the idea was to chronicle my last year in my forties; I wanted to blog every day so that I have a record of this last year. So I really should blog the rough as well as the smooth.

So this is the rough:
I have been feeling down for quite a while and have been to the doctor and been prescribed anti-depressants, not for the first time in my life.
My first experience with depression was in the early nineties, after I'd split up with my first husband. It was a horrible time for me but with the help of the tablets and moving to Turkey for my Shirley Valentine time, I recovered.
The next time was shortly after the birth of my second child. I'd had a very difficult pregnancy and my eldest child didn't take too kindly to the arrival of a rival so post natal depression soon set in. Once again I recovered only for it to reoccur a couple of years later.
Years passed and then in 2009 my eldest son was diagnosed with a rare condition. We went through a lot, including a while when we thought he was going to die, and I finally broke down towards the end of the year and went back on anti depressants.
I have had to give up my job at college and I now work for myself. I have gone from having three jobs to virtually nothing. I receive carer's allowance for my son and he gets disability living allowance. I sometimes feel bad that I don't have a 'proper' job but then there will be another medical appointment or he will be ill, or worse still, he will have an epileptic fit and then I think to myself, 'Who would employ me with all the time I need to take off?'
It is a terrible thing to live every day of your life worrying about your child, waking up in the night with your heart pounding because you think you can hear him telling you he's having a fit, and when he does have them it is just awful to see this child you carried inside of you for 8 months (he was early!), this child that you love so much going through such an awful thing. And then, afterwards, you can't get the images out of your head, you are constantly watching him, waiting for the next one, afraid to let him out of your sight.
This is not how life should be.
Ok I'm going to stop now, no photos, no funny one liners, just my life at the moment.
Thanks for reading.
Jakix

14 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear you have been feeling like this Jacko, but hope you are still coming for lunch on Thursday?

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  2. Jaki I am sorry to hear you are feeling so low ATM. I don't think there is anything that I can say that will change anything, except to let you know that I am thinking of you and send you lots of [[hugs]]. I do hope things improve for you soon, take care, luv Karen xxx

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    1. Thanks for commenting, it means a lot

      Jakix

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  3. Sorry to hear your having a rough time Jaki. Being a parent is a full time job with unbreakable emotional ties....it's exhausting. Being a parent of a child with a condition you can't do anything about is even harder. My girls both have a rare condition too and it's heart breaking to see them go through what they do. You can only be there for them, you can only love them through it, you can't take it off them. BUT your son has a great mother who would be only too happy to take his burden from him so he doesn't have to live with it. Can you imagine how utterly exhausted your body, brain, emotional state must be feeling when you are pouring out so much on a DAILY basis for just him alone, let alone other kids. No wonder you feel like you do. You need to take care of yourself too though and if that means taking tablets to help, then do it. Your kids are your life, it's what all good parents do. Your son is a very loved young man, he couldn't ask for a better start to his life, honestly.

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    1. Thank you so much for this lovely comment, it means a lot

      Jakix

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  4. You are coping amazingly well with all that life has thrown at you. Keep your chin up, give loads of love but remember to accept it as well.
    Thinking of you,
    Jan xxxx

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  5. You can only block stuff out for so long before it catches up with you luvvie. Now is the time to take stock and find strategies to move forward. There are some great books and resources around for helping people deal with different types of stress and depression and to help deal with the issues that cause it. Counselling or a support group with other parents might be an option too. I think its admirable that you have put yourself out there and I know it will help other people in similar situations. Much love to you hun xx

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    1. Thank you Lisa-Jane

      I'm getting there

      Jakix

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  6. I can't say it gets easier but through the comfort of your friends support, it makes it bearable x

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  7. Oh Jaki, I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time. I had noticed you'd gone awol from woyww the last couple of weeks and wondered if all was well. Whilst my son doesn't have a life threatening condition, I do know just how draining it is to deal with a 'special' child and all the baggage it brings. Thinking of you xx

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    1. Thanks Fiona, it affects every day in many ways! I'm feeling a little better now
      Jakix

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  8. So sorry for you, this is a hard post to read and I am sure even harder to write, bloggers really seem to share their hearts and I send you huge hugs trace x

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to comment
      Jakix

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