You may have noticed I haven't blogged for a while, or may be you haven't!
The thing is I've been in a bit of a, well I don't know how to describe it really.
When I started this blog the idea was to chronicle my last year in my forties; I wanted to blog every day so that I have a record of this last year. So I really should blog the rough as well as the smooth.
So this is the rough:
I have been feeling down for quite a while and have been to the doctor and been prescribed anti-depressants, not for the first time in my life.
My first experience with depression was in the early nineties, after I'd split up with my first husband. It was a horrible time for me but with the help of the tablets and moving to Turkey for my Shirley Valentine time, I recovered.
The next time was shortly after the birth of my second child. I'd had a very difficult pregnancy and my eldest child didn't take too kindly to the arrival of a rival so post natal depression soon set in. Once again I recovered only for it to reoccur a couple of years later.
Years passed and then in 2009 my eldest son was diagnosed with a rare condition. We went through a lot, including a while when we thought he was going to die, and I finally broke down towards the end of the year and went back on anti depressants.
I have had to give up my job at college and I now work for myself. I have gone from having three jobs to virtually nothing. I receive carer's allowance for my son and he gets disability living allowance. I sometimes feel bad that I don't have a 'proper' job but then there will be another medical appointment or he will be ill, or worse still, he will have an epileptic fit and then I think to myself, 'Who would employ me with all the time I need to take off?'
It is a terrible thing to live every day of your life worrying about your child, waking up in the night with your heart pounding because you think you can hear him telling you he's having a fit, and when he does have them it is just awful to see this child you carried inside of you for 8 months (he was early!), this child that you love so much going through such an awful thing. And then, afterwards, you can't get the images out of your head, you are constantly watching him, waiting for the next one, afraid to let him out of your sight.
This is not how life should be.
Ok I'm going to stop now, no photos, no funny one liners, just my life at the moment.
Thanks for reading.